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How to teach your kids empathy and self-control I Toronto Star
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How to teach your kids empathy and
self -control
Schools are integrating social and emotional learning (SEL) into the classroom. Here are
some tips for helping your kids build these skills at home.
Conflict between siblings can be used as a teachable moment. For example, if
your child continually takes her younger sister's doll, instead of repeatedly
telling her not to, talk to her about the issue and get her involved in the
solution. (DREAMSTIME)
By PAM MOORE The Washington Post
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2/27/2018 How to teach your kids empathy and self-control I Toronto Star
Tues., Feb. 27, 2018
EMEMEM
I take a long blink. "Honey? Can you... "
Her face is still beet red, but her body has relaxed. She takes a deep breath, the slowly
blows the air through her pursed lips. This is the "birthday cake" breathing she learned
in kindergarten.
My daughter attends public school in Boulder, Colo., where her teacher is one of a
handful of educators integrating social and emotional learning (SEL) into the classroom.
But the Boulder Valley School District (BVSD) board recently approved a grant to fund
the investigation of SEL Competencies, with the goal of creating a system -wide approach
to SEL. That means more kids will be learning how to understand and manage their
emotions, set goals, build healthy relationships, make good decisions and Ii. empathy,
according to the Collaborative for Academic, Social and Emotional Learning.
SEL is based on five core competencies — self-awareness, self-management, social
awareness, relationship skills and responsible decision-making. These skills can help
kids int e classroom, but more importantly, they can make children and parents
happier.
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Samantha Messier, assistant superintendent of instructional services and equity for
BVSD, says the district's interest in SEL stemmed from an expanding awareness of how
deeply students' social and emotional aties can affect their academic success.
A 2011 meta-analysis showed students who participated in school-based SEL
demonstrated significant strides in social and emotional skills and behaviours, as well as
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How to teach your kids empathy and self-control I Toronto Star
improved academic performance. A 2017 study showed that children who engaged in
ve
school-based SEL also showed higher graduation rates and safer sexual behaviour, e 11
18 years post -intervention. Messier hopes SEL will give BVSD students a foundation f
happy and successful lives. "I believe that if we can accomplish (that), we will be
preparing our students to not only have successful careers but to make a meaningful,
positive impact on the world around them."
While some school districts are starting to adopt SEL, it's not the norm. If your child's
school isn't including SEL in the curriculum, Jennifer Miller, an SEL expert, offers tips
for parents who want to help their kids build these skills at home.
Create a plan. Miller recommends creating a Family Emotional Safety Plan so when
emotional disaster strikes, you're ready. It can be as simple as "When mom is angry,
she'll say, 'I need five minutes,' and then she'll go in her room and shut the door while
she cools down." Explaining the plan in advance precludes your child from anxiously
wondering, "Why is she leaving meTcompounding (their) upset with fear," Miller says.
Additionally, it highlights the importance of self-awareness for both children and
1208M
Make a pledge. While family arguments are natural, they're not always healthy.
According to Miller, data supports the effectiveness of specific types of fighting. While
certain words, attitudes and actions can leave emotional scars, others actually
strenIthen relationships. Miller's ghting Fair Family Pledge" sets boundaries on
language and actions to avoid (e.g., crcizing, blaming, name-calling) while offering
effective alternatives (like taking responsibility and focusing on solutions). She says even
if you only adopt this pledge with your spouse or partner, your kids will still benefit.
"Children learn most and best from modelling, so even if we only adopt boundaries for
fighting with our partner, we can watch the ripple effect throughout our family as
children begin to use similar strategies."
Use challenges as teaching opportunities. Miller says when faced with parenting
challenges, it's crucial to ask, "What skill does my child need to learn?" While being clear
on what behaviours are unacceptable, we must teach our kids how to engage in the
behaviours we do want to see. For example, if your child continually takes her younger
sister's doll, instead of repeatedly telling her not to, Miller encourages parents to use this
situation as a teachable moment. "You might say, 'You really want to play with your
sister's doll. Let's see if there are ways we can play that keep everyone happy and also
give you a chance with the doll. Hmm, what could we do?!' Get your child involved." You
can also have your child teach the behaviour to a toy to make the lesson more fun. Miller
recommends giving positive reinforcement when your child approaches a challenging
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situation in a constructive ay® "Your specific recognition can go a long way toward
promoting new positive choices."
As a parent, I see the benefits of SEL daily. I see it when my daughter chooses deep
breaths over screaming when I brush her hair, when she asks her little sister to take
turns and when she tells herself "I can do it" before attempting the monkey bars. I see
when she says, "Oops. I made a mistake. I'll take a deep breath and try again." I
in my daughter's class, SEL isn't a separate lesson. Her teacher, Donna Young, infuses it
into the classroom culture, which emphasizes relationships. "We are, first and foremost,
a school family," Young says. Every morning, she crouches to make eye contact while
greeting each child by name. Intermittently throughout the day the class does calming
breathing exercises together. Young strives to model self-regulation; strategically placed
sticky notes serve as reminders. When she falls short, she tells her students what she was
feeling, what she did and what she'll do differently next time. "This just reinforces that
everyone makes mistakes, all the time, every day, and
SEL skills such as self-regulation and empathy aren't just beneficial for kids. Young
wishes she had known about SEL when her kids were growing up. "If I had had the
knowledge and self-awareness that I have now, I would have parented in a different way.
I believe I would have had more compassion for myself and my mistakes as a are of
you children."
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